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User blog:Lee Dixon/Lee Dixon Reviews: TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D (2013)
Oh for fuck sake...So this is what it comes to then?...You know what fuck this movie i don't have to review this..Oh you mean i actually do? Well fuck....So on to the review then and no i'm not following my usual format for this movie....Let's just go on..oh and there will be spoilers..but not that i recommend you see this movie...just read it anyway..Don't bother watching it..I'll say that before the review even starts The Review ..So we open up with a scene JUST after the original..Where the sawyer house is burned down...but an infant survives..Hold on a fucking minute...where did the Infant come from..Where were a bunch of these fucking people in the original movie..and yes this movie came out last year..but that doesn't mean they can't still keep up with canon really fucking well..continuity is fucking thrown out the window in this movie..Seriously...Since the first movie is set in 1973...and the lead actress (the infant btw..yes she grows up into the main character of this movie..SPOILER..not that you care) is 27..It'd be 2000? but it says on a tomb stone later that it's 2012..So if the lead actress was 26 in this movie (When it was filmed...too so there)...It would be 1999...So why the fuck does that tombstone say 2012 and people are using modern day cell phones..Who knows..Maybe they meant to cast an actress that was 39! So shit happens the baby is adopted by a guy that kills her mother (So fucking unpredictable...) DECADES later..or it should be 1999...since the character isn't 39...but just fuck all that for this movie! Cause they fucking do whatever the hell they fucking want! So the infant was raised as Heather Miller...(Where have i heard that before..) and one day Heather gets a letter where she finds out that her Grandmother has died and left EVERYTHING to her..I feel like making a joke about that Futurama episode where bender's grandfather dies and leaves a mansion to him..but fuck it..The sooner this piece of SHIT is over the better...This is how Ol shouldn't even exist in TEXAS CHAINSAW Canon Heather finds out she's adopted...so she goes with her friends and..they pick up a hitchhiker..who is a guy named Darryl and he doesn't do any freaky shit...That would just be crazy in a Texas Chainsaw Massacre film when both the original and the Remake did it....AND THIS IS A SEQUEL to the original btw...If i haven't mentioned already. So they go to the Sawyer's Family Home...Wait that's odd..I recall that being burned down in the beginning of the film..but i guess I must be mistaken. So they decide to stay the night (Won't that be the best choice they ever made!) and they immediately set off and actually trust the Random hitchhiker they picked up on the road to take care of the house..of course he begins looting to it and finds a locked room (OOO! A LOCKED ROOM.!) when he enters it he is bludgeoned by Leatherface..Hold on a minute Leatherface didn't you die in the fire that this movie has completely forgotten about that happened about...at least less than 25 minutes ago (Movie time..not real time...in movie time it's 39 fucking years ago apparently! ) So the gang return (Heather and her friends) and discover the house has been ransacked..but don't really care..So Kenny (one of her friends..There's 3 friends...there's Ryan, hEATHER'S boyfriend ..and Nilkki..Some...They aren't very important so all you really need to know is there's Heather) So Kenny prepares dinner..He finds the butlers cellar and Leatherface impales him on a meathook I would like them for using something from the original....but..What's the fucking point....it just looked shitty as every piece of gore does in this movie as it's a cheap 3D effect mainly...Heather goes upstairs and finds abody but is knocked out by Ol Leather Face before she can tell her friends ..Is he ever gonna fucking use a chainsaw in this movie? Maybe he does....but doesn't kill anyone with it..maybe that's why it's called "Texas Chainsaw 3d" rather than TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 3D. She wakes up in Leatherface's room....Where..he hasn't killed her..Well any way she goes to the graveyard and Nikki AND RYAN draw the attention of Leatherface who is..Finally fucking using a chainsaw. Heather gets in the van and gets her friends and..Leatherface saws through one of the van's tires..While it's moving...must defy..laws...of...physics..Is Leatherface's motto throughout this movie it seems..Oh and the van crashes and ryan dies..leatherface used a chainsaw...to kill someone..BUT THE CHAINSAW DIDN'T KILL ANYONE THE CRASH did..Fucking dammit i think i might be right. Heather heads to the carnival (No i'm not talking about Silent Hill right now) Sheriff Hooper (and that is his name) realizes Leatherface is alive..(So he's..just been..doing nothing for 39 years? Really?) and the Mayor sends another Police Officer who is now..just appearing for the first time. He goes to the Sawyer house to kill Leatherface (Even though..Leatherface didn't head to there..BUT ANYWAY!) He gets startled and kills Nikki..and he gets killed by Leatherface who is there all of a sudden (with an axe..Still not a chainsaw). While at the station hEATHER learns what the townspeople did to the sawyer family (Well least they mentioned it...) and flees. She is caught by the Sheriff's son and is in real life the son of...Clint FUCKING EASTWOOD..Really? Jesus christ. he ties her up at the Abandoned Slaughter House owned by the Sawyer family. Leatherface finds out Heather is his Cousin (..Sigh) and he releases her..he is attacked by the Mayor and another random officer named Ollie..Heather kills Ollie with a pitchfork and gives Leatherface his chainsaw and utters the line "Do your thing, Cuz!" I think that was the most horrifying thing in this entire movie..He uses it to force the Mayor into a meat grinder by sawing off his hands..But not killing him with it..what a fucking idiot leatherface is in this movie...They return home..AND she reads the letter Verna sent her before she died...saying Leatherface will protect her as long as she protects him or some bullshit...realising LEATHERFACE is the last piece of family Heather has..She decides to stay with Leatherface..i thought i was watching a Texas Chainsaw Massacre Film. Lastly in an after credits scene they are visited by the people that adopted heather who i honestly forgot about..Leatherface answers the door Chainsaw in hand... So that was Texas Chainsaw 3D...There was one chainsaw death after putting Kenny on the meathook he uses his chainsaw..But i don't even know if that was what killed him..This was just fucking terrible..Atrocious..The single worst movie i've ever watched..Don't watch it..but that's the point..I suffered this piece of shit so you don't have to..if you haven't guessed yet i'm giving Texas Chainsaw 3D a.... ' 0 OUT OF 10 ' Upcoming stuff So like i promised i'll be doing the Evil Dead series next..Till then bye..hope you enjoyed the Review Category:Blog posts